Chris Mohney: Each night before drifting off to sleep, he douses his loins with canola oil and wanks himself silly to a photo of Alex Balk’s naked, hairy ass, a photo that he clandestinely procured with a cell phone camera that time Balk passed out with his pants around his ankles in the men’s room of The Magician, circa 2004.
Sure, Alex would like everyone to think it was “clandestinely procured.”
I am engaged in a time-travel review of my first blog, Diztopia, which started in February 2004. Here I vent spleen about not getting hired to run Gridskipper the first time. Bonus Nick Denton and Choire mentions.
When your character dies, you won’t just appear outside a hospital anymore. You are transported to the foot of a mountain made entirely of naked, writhing hookers and minorities. You must climb them with cleated boots, get to the top, insert a stick of dynamite into a giant toothed vagina, leap off the mountain while it blows up behind you and land in a swimming pool full of cocaine. If you successfully do this, you get all of your weapons and vehicles back. If you fail, you are reincarnated as a minority shopowner in one of the neighborhoods and you have to slit a hooker’s throat and drink her blood from her skull before you’re able to wear any of the clothes you’ve previously purchased. If the neighborhood where your shop is located is Jewberg, you also have to get baptised. If you die unbaptised, you are reincarnated as a hooker, the game is “locked” in hooker mode, and you are mailed a tee shirt that says “I’m a hooker.” The only way to unlock your game is to wear the hooker tee shirt to a monthly gathering of GTA IV players, which will be run by whoever in your city was the first player to become “mayor” (by eating a raped baby, see above). Hooker players must stay inside a designated warehouse from sundown to sunrise, during which time they must do whatever the mayor asks them to do if they want their unlock code.