Two NYPD K-9 unit dogs barking madly at each other. Everyone assumes it’s just dogs barking at dogs, like dogs do. But what if the first dog was trying to signal that the second dog was smuggling drugs, and the second dog was trying to get the first dog to shut the hell up and not narc on him all the time.
My pal Scott is re-scripting Star Wars with the dialogue from The Hidden Fortress, the 1958 samurai flick which heavily influenced George Lucas when plotting Star Wars. Among many notable parallels are a pair of buffoonish peasants, one tall and one short, who inspired the relationship between C-3P0 and R2-D2. Sort of. A sample:
SCENE 001 EXTERIOR — TATTOOINE DIRT ROAD
C3PO: Stay away from me! You stink of dead bodies.
R2D2: (beeping noises) (subtitle: “Give it up. We both smell of corpses. And it’s all your fault!”)
C3PO: (spits at R2D2 and stalks ahead)
R2D2: (beeping noises) (subtitle: “Your smell makes me want to puke. Though shitworms can’t smell shit.”)
C3PO: (whirling angrily) What?
R2D2: (spits on the ground near C3PO’s feet and makes beeping noises) (subtitle: “And you thought we’d make a fortune at the war.”)
C3PO: (begins laughing maniacally)
R2D2: (beeping noises) (subtitle: “What’s funny, you idiot?”)
C3PO: It’s all funny! First, we arrived late to the war. Then they mistook us for the defeated side and forced us to bury the dead. We finally escaped, and now it’s been two days we’ve only had water. But the funniest thing is your foolish crybaby face!
The two begin fighting. They are interrupted by the approach of a group of stormtroopers chasing a single Rebel pilot. The stormtroopers kill the pilot, then, briefly regarding C3PO and R2D2 as not worth worrying about, they leave the way they came.
C3PO: Let’s go home.
R2D2: (beeping noises) (subtitle: “Don’t you have any pride? We’ve even been stripped of the arms we sold our homes for. We can’t go home like this.”)
C3PO: Then take it off this guy. (indicates dead Rebel pilot)
R2D2: (beeping noises) (subtitle: “Even if I’m desperate, I’m not a thief.”)
C3PO: Do what you want. I’m going.
R2D2: (beeping noises) (subtitle: “Go. I’ll come home after I make a buck. Don’t come crying to me then.”)
C3PO: Get caught again and be a gravedigger.
R2D2: (kicks dirt at C3PO) (beeping noises) (subtitle: “Fool! Go away! It’ll be a blessing to see you go, you shitworm!”)
I can tell I’ve been in this business too long because I had to read this three times to understand that Nick was saying he feels contented about something, as opposed to declaring that he is content, i.e. website content. “I, Nick Denton, am content for old journalists.” Which I suppose is not technically untrue.