THAT’S RIGHT, I’M ALIVE AND I’M UNDER YOUR DESK, SOMEWHERE
DID I JUST TOUCH YOUR FOOT
HOW TIGHT ARE YOUR PANTS CUFFS
NOT TIGHT ENOUGH I’LL BET
HOPE YOU ENJOY MY FEATHERY FLICKERING FOOTSTEPS ON YOUR QUIVERING UNPROTECTED FLESH WHEN I CRAWL OUT OF YOUR BAG, HAVING STOWED AWAY TO FOLLOW YOU HOME AND LAY EGGS IN OUR BRAIN AND/OR GROIN
but seriously, mate, calm yo tits
That’s a field wolf spider, and it isn’t even that big
Yes, they live in homes, but they’re not after you - they’re after other insects. They aren’t interested in hiding in your snug little pant cuffs - they chase down their prey and then sit tight like the smug little motherfuckers that they are. Hiding isn’t for these badasses.
Furthermore, they don’t lay eggs inside anywhere. The female carries the egg sac around with her until the babies hatch, and then she carries them on her back until they’re big enough to get lost and go to spider college or whatever the fuck else they wanna do with their life.
What’s more, you’re probably going to seem like a big wuss if you scream like a girl when a mosquito bites you - well, that’s what it’s gonna be like if you piss off this little buddy. Yeah, it’ll give you a nip. And then you’ll have to deal with - OH THE HORROR - a scratchy little red mark. Aren’t you brave.
So stop protecting your balls and your ears and get ready to pay this little friend a bill for all the annoying shit he’ll be eating around your house without ever bothering you.
Edit: It’s not a brown recluse spider - look closer. Unless that little guy went to a plastic surgeon and got 1/2 its legs chopped off to look more fashionable, that looks most like a wolf spider to me.